Hello everyone,
My romantic journey has ended. It had been on a downward spiral shortly after I became homeless. It's funny too, because I can remember the exact point when it changed. We were sitting in the local park; I was going through a really tough time, everything was getting to me; he was aware of my situation but chose to ignore it.
That day everything had got too much; I was contemplating the end. I poured my heart out to him and yes; I cried in front of him. I hated myself for doing it, but I just couldn't stop the tears, the dam wall had been breached and the flood was coming. I never cry in front of anyone, simply holding onto the tears until I'm alone, it makes me feel weak, but that day was a rare exception. If I cry in front of anyone, it means I'm REALLY hurting.
What a mistake. He didn't move, simply looked at me and turned away. He didn't cuddle or console me, he didn't even speak, just sat there looking uncomfortable, which made me feel a complete fool. I eventually stopped the flow through sheer will power, but the next half an hour was painfully awkward.
I didn't want sympathy or even empathy or understanding; I just wanted a cuddle. He didn't have to say anything, but his total lack of response just made me hurt even more. My feelings for him gradually began to change from that day. I spoke to him about it (through text) as he'd never talk about anything like that face to face, but he simply said 'I didn't know what to do.' so he chose to do nothing. That was a severe learning experience; it's human nature to cuddle and console someone who is crying or upset; it's an auto response.
I kept a diary or three for the whole of our time together and one day I will read them again. There is a lot of good information in them for a story, (something good has to come out of this) I wrote down thoughts, feelings, things he'd said to me both nice and nasty and he could be really nasty, especially if he didn't get his own way. I have enough material for a book; it may start out as a romantic love story, but it sure as hell won't end happily ever after.
Must get back to work now; the boring work that pays the bills; good luck to everyone with whatever project you're working on, until next time . . .
