Hello everyone,
I am now going with the flow like a dead fish instead of trying to fight my way upstream; and so much has changed.
I used to fight to stay in control, keep my head above water, never upset anyone, always trying to do and be the best, but no anymore. I'm tired of fighting.
I'm not entirely sure when this happened, I think it was a gradual process, one I didn't even see coming. I've finally let go of the reins, life and all the crap it brings with it just washes over me now. There's trouble at work, staff are always bitching, back stabbing and trying to get other staff in trouble, relishing the drama and bad feelings this can cause. Certain people seem to thrive in this kind of atmosphere.
It used to worry me....a lot; wondering when I would be dragged into it or when it would be my turn, but not anymore. I'm not sure why or how this happened. I remember listening to the bullshit that was doing the rounds one day and thinking, why are people so nasty? This is all crap, obvious lies and yet, these people are lapping it up and even adding to it with more lies, since that day I have distanced myself from most people; especially at work.
I feel a lot better, it's as if I'm not a part of it anymore, I just observe, almost as if I'm invisible.
My writing flows better now the stress passes through me, I take nothing on board. In a few months I'm moving to the south coast, I been working hard and saving as much as I can and now I have enough for a deposit on a two bed house, I just need to save a bit more for the referencing fees.
I've always wanted to live by the sea and now I'm going to make it happen. I've written several short stories, who knows, one day I might send them out into the world; they were fun to write and I enjoyed the process. My head feels clear for the first time in years; it's like finally being able to breathe after a heavy cold.
I guess I've finally got the I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE and I love it.
I feel as if I have so much to look forward to, new beginnings, new hope and no baggage.
Until next time, keep writing, and let life's troubles wash over you.
Saturday 19 May 2018
Monday 12 March 2018
When The Fun Stops . . . .STOP
Hi Everyone,
I saw an advertisement on television the other day about gambling awareness and it hit me hard, not because I gamble, (I can't afford to) but because I write.
I have loved writing all my life and because I am striving to get published, all the fun has gone out of it. I don't even enjoy it anymore, the whole process has lost its spark. I have been concentrating so hard on getting every last detail perfect for a prospective publisher, that I literally lost the plot.
I became obsessed with getting published; it was everything. If I couldn't get published then I was obviously no good at writing, so I might as well throw in the towel, then I saw the advert.
I took a long hard look at my writing goals and projects and thought, does it really matter if I don't get published? So what if I'm not successful; I'm obviously not good enough to be published, but I'm good enough for me.
So I've put all ideas of success and being a published author out of my head, I'm only making myself miserable chasing something that's clearly out of reach. The book I've been working on has been thrown into the archive storage; maybe I'll look at it again one day, maybe I won't. Who cares? Not me, not anymore.
I wrote a short story over the weekend. It wasn't perfect, there were obvious mistakes and a bit of dodgy spelling and punctuation, but I had fun writing it; the spark of enjoyment was igniting again and when I read it back, it was good, my heart had gone into it instead of my head. It had passion and genuine feeling. It will never go anywhere; it's meant for my eyes only.
I maybe a crap writer with no chance of ever being published, but I love to write and that's what I'll continue to do. Life's not about being rich, famous and recognised, it's for living and being happy, doing the things you enjoy and that's good enough for me.
Until next time
Follow your dreams, chase your desires . . . but only if it makes you happy.
I saw an advertisement on television the other day about gambling awareness and it hit me hard, not because I gamble, (I can't afford to) but because I write.
I have loved writing all my life and because I am striving to get published, all the fun has gone out of it. I don't even enjoy it anymore, the whole process has lost its spark. I have been concentrating so hard on getting every last detail perfect for a prospective publisher, that I literally lost the plot.
I became obsessed with getting published; it was everything. If I couldn't get published then I was obviously no good at writing, so I might as well throw in the towel, then I saw the advert.
I took a long hard look at my writing goals and projects and thought, does it really matter if I don't get published? So what if I'm not successful; I'm obviously not good enough to be published, but I'm good enough for me.
So I've put all ideas of success and being a published author out of my head, I'm only making myself miserable chasing something that's clearly out of reach. The book I've been working on has been thrown into the archive storage; maybe I'll look at it again one day, maybe I won't. Who cares? Not me, not anymore.
I wrote a short story over the weekend. It wasn't perfect, there were obvious mistakes and a bit of dodgy spelling and punctuation, but I had fun writing it; the spark of enjoyment was igniting again and when I read it back, it was good, my heart had gone into it instead of my head. It had passion and genuine feeling. It will never go anywhere; it's meant for my eyes only.
I maybe a crap writer with no chance of ever being published, but I love to write and that's what I'll continue to do. Life's not about being rich, famous and recognised, it's for living and being happy, doing the things you enjoy and that's good enough for me.
Until next time
Follow your dreams, chase your desires . . . but only if it makes you happy.
Saturday 13 January 2018
THE PROMISE; personal demons
Hello everyone
I think I have just realised why my life is so miserable; I'm being punished.
When I was 11, I made a promise to my dad, I kept that promise for over 30 years but 14 years ago because of my own selfishness, I broke it and nothing in my life has gone right since.
My dad was dying, he knew it, we knew it. There was only the three of us, mum, dad and me. One day he called me into the bedroom and made me promise that after he had gone I would look after my mum and never leave her (that was her biggest fear; being left alone) At 11 years old I happily made the promise; three months later he died.
I grew up, had boyfriends, got married, had three gorgeous kids and we all lived happily in my mums house; for a while. Things went bad as they so often do when your that young, I was 19. My husband wanted to move away which was perfectly reasonable until I remembered the promise. In the end we split up and went our separate ways, other issues were involved but that was at the back of it. He moved out while me and the kids continued to stay with my mum.
All was fine until 14 years ago when I met a man. The kids were grown up and had kids of their own, mum was getting on in years but still active and healthy, so I did the unthinkable, I moved out. Mum was never the same after that; she still spoke to me, but her tone was different; I'd broken her heart, she knew about the promise, obviously dad had told her. She reminded me one day, just casually saying, 'you said you'd never leave.'
She even took me back after the relationship ended, let me come home, but things were never the same; a couple of years later she passed too. Her landlord wanted me out of the house so me and my son had to leave. I got a flat that was attached to my job but when I got made redundant that went too, I now have this tiny one bed flat after seven months of sleeping in the car but since leaving my mums nowhere feels like home.
I've looked up various things about breaking a promise and all of them say there is ALWAYS a price to pay. As far as I'm concerned I will never be out of debt; I made that promise and I broke it, it took over 30 years but I still broke it and nothing I do will change that.
until next time; think before you make a promise.
I think I have just realised why my life is so miserable; I'm being punished.
When I was 11, I made a promise to my dad, I kept that promise for over 30 years but 14 years ago because of my own selfishness, I broke it and nothing in my life has gone right since.
My dad was dying, he knew it, we knew it. There was only the three of us, mum, dad and me. One day he called me into the bedroom and made me promise that after he had gone I would look after my mum and never leave her (that was her biggest fear; being left alone) At 11 years old I happily made the promise; three months later he died.
I grew up, had boyfriends, got married, had three gorgeous kids and we all lived happily in my mums house; for a while. Things went bad as they so often do when your that young, I was 19. My husband wanted to move away which was perfectly reasonable until I remembered the promise. In the end we split up and went our separate ways, other issues were involved but that was at the back of it. He moved out while me and the kids continued to stay with my mum.
All was fine until 14 years ago when I met a man. The kids were grown up and had kids of their own, mum was getting on in years but still active and healthy, so I did the unthinkable, I moved out. Mum was never the same after that; she still spoke to me, but her tone was different; I'd broken her heart, she knew about the promise, obviously dad had told her. She reminded me one day, just casually saying, 'you said you'd never leave.'
She even took me back after the relationship ended, let me come home, but things were never the same; a couple of years later she passed too. Her landlord wanted me out of the house so me and my son had to leave. I got a flat that was attached to my job but when I got made redundant that went too, I now have this tiny one bed flat after seven months of sleeping in the car but since leaving my mums nowhere feels like home.
I've looked up various things about breaking a promise and all of them say there is ALWAYS a price to pay. As far as I'm concerned I will never be out of debt; I made that promise and I broke it, it took over 30 years but I still broke it and nothing I do will change that.
until next time; think before you make a promise.
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