THE PROMISE; personal demons

Hello everyone
     I think I have just realised why my life is so miserable; I'm being punished.
When I was 11, I made a promise to my dad, I kept that promise for over 30 years but 14 years ago because of my own selfishness, I broke it and nothing in my life has gone right since.
       My dad was dying, he knew it, we knew it. There was only the three of us, mum, dad and me. One day he called me into the bedroom and made me promise that after he had gone I would look after my mum and never leave her (that was her biggest fear; being left alone) At 11 years old I happily made the promise; three months later he died.
      I grew up, had boyfriends, got married, had three gorgeous kids and we all lived happily in my mums house; for a while. Things went bad as they so often do when your that young, I was 19. My husband wanted to move away which was perfectly reasonable until I remembered the promise. In the end we split up and went our separate ways, other issues were involved but that was at the back of it. He moved out while me and the kids continued to stay with my mum.
      All was fine until 14 years ago when I met a man. The kids were grown up and had kids of their own, mum was getting on in years but still active and healthy, so I did the unthinkable, I moved out. Mum was never the same after that; she still spoke to me, but her tone was different; I'd broken her heart, she knew about the promise, obviously dad had told her. She reminded me one day, just casually saying, 'you said you'd never leave.'
         She even took me back after the relationship ended, let me come home, but things were never the same; a couple of years later she passed too. Her landlord wanted me out of the house so me and my son had to leave. I got a flat that was attached to my job but when I got made redundant that went too, I now have this tiny one bed flat after seven months of sleeping in the car but since leaving my mums nowhere feels like home.
         I've looked up various things about breaking a promise and all of them say there is ALWAYS a price to pay. As far as I'm concerned I will never be out of debt; I made that promise and I broke it, it took over 30 years but I still broke it and nothing I do will change that.

until next time; think before you make a promise.