Hello everyone
The shade of darkness is finally lifting, I think I've weathered the storm and the sun is starting to peek through the clouds.
The past two weeks have been hell both in my personal and professional life. Imagine working a 12 hour shift where you have to be happy, friendly and polite to everyone all the time, when all you want is to be left alone with your misery.
Most nights have seen tears, in the quiet comfort of my bed they slip from between my lashes to soak into my pillow and dry un-noticed by morning.
I've done a lot of soul searching too, revisiting distasteful parts of my memory, forcing myself to confront my demons. I can't say it's been pleasant; anything but, although it has had a positive side. Much of my misery and mental torment can be used in my novel (which I have finally picked up again) I think it will give it a far more gritty, emotional edge. The REAL feelings are there, my main character's pain and self loathing have been felt first hand and I feel I'm in a much better position to write and understand them, it was almost like I'd stepped into her skin. I feel I know her better. Her feelings were mine, her emotional pain and torment coursed through my veins.
Suffering, both emotional and physical have their advantages. Once out of your system, you are cleansed (and drained) I have had my eyes opened by this latest experience; I've never felt so utterly alone, miserable and worthless, but I've come through it now, I hope and I've learnt by it. Things are far from perfect and I do not doubt for one moment that something nasty will rear its ugly head again and bring me down, but if I can use those emotions and put them into words, maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write a better book.
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